I remember the exact moment as a child, when I decided I wanted to look and be different. I can't remember what age I was, my guess is around 6/7 and I was on the bus. A girl was sitting in front of me, she was a teenager and she stood out from everyone else to me. The details are not exact but I remember her having coloured hair, piercings and different clothes from the other people on the bus. I remember staring at her, and I remember being so interested. This distant memory I have will always be with me, it's not clear at all but I remember my emotions at the time... I remember feeling so impressed by the girl, she stood out. These days, I'm the girl getting looks on the bus. Whether it's cause of my piercings, my clothes or just what music is blaring out of my earphones.. I'm just never ignored if you get me, I don't know what other way to phrase it but there's always an old woman or some snobby teenage girl giving me dirty looks, looking down on me. I don't get it. Do they not understand that I obviously got pierced under my own intentions and dress like this because I want to, so like stop looking at me as if I'm at a disadvantage to you.
I was introduced to different music genres at a young age, my Dad would always be blaring Guns'n'Roses, my Mum would be listening to Tracey Chapman constantly and then there was always Michael Jackson, The Beatles, Bob Marley etc playing in the background. My parents split up when I was two, and I live with my Mum. I was always listening to her music more obviously, and I started to dislike it. I got bored of it, in other words. I of course, being a typical 90s kid, listened to the Spice Girls, S Club 7 etc but I always remember listening to 'different' music when I was with my Grandad or Dad. Whether it was the Rolling Stones, the Sex Pistols.. I was always more intrigued by the more rock'n'roll sound, in comparison to my friends who constantly listened to Boyzone or whatever. When I was around 8, Avril Lavigne came on the scene. I started dressing in skater jeans with chains, wearing skater shoes, ties, studs and I started to skate board. My whole attitude changed. It wasn't Avril Lavigne who changed me, it was a development of myself, in process. I would go to bed at night, playing Avril Lavigne's music until my Mum would have to come in when I was asleep and turn it off. Do you ever listen to songs/see movies that you loved at a young age, and you remember those exact emotions again you were feeling back then? I listen to some of her songs and it literally brings me back to some of the awful memories as a child of being bullied. The song 'Nobody's Home' by her makes me so upset, it's like she wrote that song about my life, it puts me back in that moment and place, and I feel shit all over again.
As I grew older, my music taste, style and basically everything changed. My Dad got me into Evanescence and Green Day in 5th class, and our 6th class song was 'Wake Me Up When September Ends'. My class was great looking back, I never got shit over music or whatever.
When I went into secondary everything changed. I was in such a dark place. I didn't know who I was, I tried so hard to fit in, I would try and impress people, I had no confidence at all. I was the complete opposite of what I am now. I was bullied so badly in 2nd year, so so bad. I talk about it openly mind you. I was so depressed and I would find myself daydreaming... of my own funeral. I would lay there in bed thinking of who would attend it, what would people's reactions be. I was a fucking 14 year old, so fucking alone, lying in bed, thinking of my own death. I attempted suicide more than once and to be honest the shit I went through as a young teenager was so tough, looking back I honestly don't know what, or who stopped me from doing more terrible things, my Nana was always there. I always felt like shit, looked like shit and was just a mess. I still am, but not to those extremes. To this day, I cannot say I'm in a great place or so happy. I'm not suicidal or anything like that, but my moods swing like a fucking I dunno what. I hate what I see in the mirror, I hate a chunk of the people I know and this is why I'm moving to London next Summer... a new start seems like the light at the end of the tunnel. Of course, I won't tell everyone to fuck off, I'll still cherish my family and close friends, but I want to start a new blank page. It could turn out great, or it could turn out even worse. But I'll risk it.
These days my music taste is all over the shop, I listen to all genres. My top 5 favourite artists would be The Clash, All Time Low, Paramore, The Ramones and Lady Gaga. I adore them all to death, but my number one favourite band, ever would be The Clash. I cannot put into words how much I idolize Joe Strummer. He had so many negatives about him, but it's what made him real and he talked reality. I'm not getting into my love for Strummer now, because I could write a fucking book on it but yeah, at the end of the day The Clash are numbero uno to me! I always find myself being more attracted to the melodies of songs these days, of the new artists. I almost forget to listen properly to the lyrics. And sometimes when I do, they ruin the song for me. With bands like The Clash it's like listening to the truth, your head isn't filled with shite and there's proper music and talent behind the honest words.
This is such a random blog, I have talked about 60 different topics, but I'm just writing what's coming into my head. I think all blogs should be like that. Instead of writing for other people, write for you.
